All The Crack!
by Doomed-Kelpie
Summary: This is a series of unconnected Merlin crack one-shots. They will vary in length. Please enjoy the ridiculousness of Merlin!
1. I'm Taller Than You

**I'm Taller Than You!**

 _So, here's the first of a series of crack one-shots. I hope you enjoy!_

 _Like it says on my profile and in the summary, I will eventually update_ _Memories of a Stranger_ _, but I need some time to get over my writer's block on it. Sorry to anyone who is reading that one…_

XXX

Merlin stood, facing Arthur, only inches apart. The men stared at each other with piercing gazes for what felt like an eternity. Finally, Merlin decided to break the silence:

"I'M TALLER THAN YOU!" he exclaimed.

"What nonsense are you spouting now?" Arthur replied, annoyed.

"I'm taller than you," Merlin repeated.

"Merlin, you're only taller than me by an inch. That doesn't count," Argued Arthur.

"Does too."

"Does not."

"Does too."

"Does not."

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

"DOES TOO!"

"DOES NOT!"

"DOES TOO!"

"DOES NOT!"

Suddenly, Gwen burst into the room. Somehow, she had grown to be 8 feet tall.

"I'M TALLER THAN BOTH OF YOU, SO PLEASE SHUT UP WHEN PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!" she scolded loudly.

Terrified, Arthur and Merlin ran away and hid in a closet.

The End.

XXX

 _I've had this idea kinda floating around for a while now… I just found it really funny that Merlin is like an inch taller than Arthur… Meh. I hope you liked it._


	2. An Arthurian Sonnet?

**An Arthurian Sonnet?**

 _So this is the second chapter in a series of Merlin crack one-shots I'm doing. Please enjoy!_

 _There's actually a story behind this one. I had thought about writing a fic in which Uther and Hunith get married, but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Then, my little sister was sitting with me in the kitchen one day, and she said something along the lines of "What if Uther and Merlin's Mom got married?" Thus, I decided to write about it after all. :3_

XXX

Merlin couldn't believe what his over-sized ears had just heard. His eyes were as wide as pizzas.

"We're getting married!" Uther declared as he drew Hunith closer to his side.

As Merlin stood there in shock, the screen got kind of cloudy and he went into flashback mode.

Hunith had arrived in Camelot to visit Merlin. As Merlin hugged her, Uther appeared nearby.

"Dang, she look fiiiiiiiiiiiine. Oh, wait, didn't I deny sending aid to her village or something?" Uther thought to himself. "Oh well, I'm the king, so who cares?"

Later that day, he approached Hunith.

"Oh, how beautiful you are, fair maiden!

With your dark hair and happy, caring eyes.

Surely, you are an angel from heaven!

I want you more than my enemies' cries.

Oh my, how radiant your features are!

Oh please, won't you forever just be mine?

My love for you is more vast than the stars,

And I can't help but look at your behind.

Oh, fair Hunith, manservant's mother dear,

I love you more than any wine or ale.

I want to be with you year after year!

I know you are the summit of my tale!

So please, dear Hunith, won't you be my love?

Say yes, and we will soar, just like the doves,"

Uther recited.

Hunith stared at the king before answering.

"That wasn't very subtle, but okie dokie," she answered.

Uther then did a victory dance as Arthur giggled in the background because he had just heard his jerk-face father reciting a poem he wrote for a commoner. Merlin, who was standing nearby, was totally like HOOOOOOOOLYYYYYY COOOOOOOOOW!

A few days later, Merlin went up to his mother when she was alone.

"Hey, mum, this whole Uther thing is kinda a bad idea, don't you think? Cuz, you know, me, your son, is a warlock and your boyfriend would totally kill me if he found out?" he explained.

"Truuuuuuuuuuue, Merlin. True," Hunith replied. "Don't worry. I'll talk to him."

Then, Hunith skipped away to find Uther. Around fifteen minutes later, Uther decided to have a big speech on his weird balcony thing. All the citizens within the city gathered around.

"Okay, I have a big announcement today," Uther started. "I decided magic isn't evil, so THE BAN IS LIFTED! Yay! That is all."

With that, Uther went back inside, and there was much rejoicing.

Throughout the next few days, Hunith and Uther got even more lovey-dovey. It was kinda inconvenient cuz they kept kissing in the council meetings, so nothing ever got done and everyone at the meeting felt super awkward.

Thus, we are back at the present.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" Merlin exclaimed very loudly.

"You couldn't hear?" Uther questioned before taking out a megaphone (Even though those hadn't been invented yet). "WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!"

"Congrats, Merlin, now you actually have a dad!" Arthur said with a jolly pat on the back.

"Uther's YOUR father, you twit. That would make us step-brothers," Merlin explained.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" Arthur exclaimed very loudly.

"Why can't anybody hear today?" Uther asked. "he said: THAT WOULD MAKE YOU STEP-BROTHERS!'

"So…," Arthur said. "Does that mean if we continue to date, it's incest?"

"No clue," Merlin replied.

"Eh, who cares?" Uther told them.

Suddenly, a bright light flashed down from the sky. When everyone's eyes had stopped burning like they had been fried with potatoes for the past five hours, they saw a woman standing there. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN. IT WAS IGRAINE!

"Holy cheesedoodle," everyone said with varying levels of surprise.

"Wassup, peeps?" Igraine greeted. "Just came to say: Congrats on your marriage! Also, Merlin is already pregnant, so incest or not, you two are stuck together! Yay! Grandkid!"

Then she disappeared.

"YOUR PREGNANT?!" Arthur gasped.

"I AM?!" Merlin gasped just as loudly.

"Cool," said Uther. "I'm gonna teach it how to be just as awesome as me!"

Then, Uther started doing his victory dance again. While everyone watched Uther, Merlin farted out the baby.

"Oh, hey, Igraine was right," Merlin stated.

"Let's name him Ivan Lovino Antonio Matthew Arthur Gilbert Pendragon," Arthur declared.

"Kay," Merlin agreed.

Ivan Lovino Antonio Matthew Arthur Gilbert Pendragon looked up at his parents. He opened his mouth and tried to talk:

"EVERYBODY DO THE FLOP!" The child yelled.

Everyone fell on their faces and went splat.

The End :D

XXX

 _I'm sorry if I caused any deaths from the level of stupidity in this one. :P_

 _I had a lot of fun writing this._

 _Seriously, though... Ivan Lovino Antonio Matthew Arthur Gilbert Pendragon… I just named him after my favorite Hetalia characters… hehehe… XP_


	3. Skunked

**Skunked**

 _Yesterday, my dog got in a fight with a skunk, and, of course, he got sprayed. Now my house smells like skunk. Hurray. So, I was inspired to write this._

XXX

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!" Arthur screeched from his chambers.

With a giggle 'cuz Arthur's scream was so high-pitched and shrill, Merlin skipped into the room. There, he saw Arthur standing on a chair trying to shoo a skunk away with a broom.

"Where did _you_ get a broom?" Merlin asked in shock.

"THAT'S IS ABSOLUTELY IRRELEVANT!" the king shrieked. "JUST HELP ME BEFORE THIS THING EATS ME!"

"You know, hitting it with a broom will just make it angry. Do you want it to spray you?" Merlin informed him.

"YES, MERLIN, IT'S MY DREAM TO BE SPRAYED BY A SKUNK!" Arthur replied sarcastically.

"Oh, okay then," Merlin said as he left the room.

Half an hour later, Arthur stormed into Gaius's chambers. A horrible stench followed him.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!" Gaius exclaimed. "What in the holy crappin' hell is that smell?"

"I got skunked by a skunk because Merlin didn't save me," Arthur explained angrily.

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh," Gaius nodded. "Take a bath in tomato juice."

With that, Gaius nyoomed out the window, leaving Arthur and Merlin alone. Then, Arthur made Merlin juice all the tomatoes in the castle.

After that day, Merlin started hating 3 things: skunks, tomatoes, and the word "Bourgeois."

'Tis The End.

XXX

 _Seriously, skunk smell sucks. I can't even hug my dog because he smells so bad.( I actually like skunks as animals, but I will never like their spray. Blech.)_


	4. Soda

**Soda**

 _I know it's been ages since I last added a new chapter to this story. It's just the typical reasons for not updating, you know, so I won't bore you by going through the list._

 _Here you go:_

XXX

Merlin was walking across the training field. The nights had the day off from training, so he was the only one there. Suddenly, a cylinder of metal fell from the sky and landed right on one of Merlin's gigantic ears. He swore cuz man did that freakin cylinder hurt like a dragon slapping you for eating its last bag of marshmallows (WHICH ONLY HAPPENED ONCE). He picked up the object and looked at it. He shook it and was surprised to hear liquid moving around inside of it. Curious, he read the side of the can. It read: Moontain Due. Merlin didn't understand what the hell that meant, so he continued his investigation of the strange cylinder. When he looked on one of the flat sides, he saw a little tab popping up from it. Hesitantly, he pulled on it, opening the object. Without warning, a geyser of radioactive green liquid shot out of the object. Merlin dropped it in surprise. Not knowing how to stop it, he ran to Gaius, who also had no clue how to fix the problem (if Gaius didn't know how to stop it, it must be quite the mysterious mystery object indeed). Merlin then tried to use magic, but DUN DUN DUN it didn't work. Unable to stop the geyser of carbonated beverage, everyone in Camelot drowned. See, soda _is_ bad for your health.

The End.

XXX

 _Okay, random fact: I LOVE Mountain Dew. I know it's super sugary and stuff, but I still like it. (Although I start acting like I drank a bunch of energy drinks afterward…)_

 _SQUIRREL OUT!_


	5. Merlin's Fuzzy Friend

**Merlin's Fuzzy Friend**

 _So, this is going to be the last one-shot posted under this title. I'll probably write more Merlin crack-fics at some point, but they'll be posted as other stories. I feel like I should end this on a five though, cuz five's a nice number._

 _Anyway, I hope you enjoy!_

XXX

As Merlin was skippily skipping through the forest, he suddenly heard a growl from beneath a mulberry bush. He stopped.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese just be a weasel," Merlin thought. "I sooooo don't have time for saving Arthur and/or the kingdom and/or Gaius and/or me."

A creature then emerged from its green hidy hole.

"Coolio," Merlin said when he saw what the creature was.

Merlin scooped the animal into his arms and continued skippily skipping all the way back to Camelot.

"Hey, Gaius, look at the little ball of fluffy fluff I found!" Merlin yodeled as he hopped into the physician's chambers.

"Merlin, wherever did you get such an adorable floofy fluffy fluff kitty?" Gaius inquired.

"Forest," Merlin explained. "Can I keep it? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"Okey dokey," Gaius agreed. "But I'm going to have to teach it the ways of the flying eggplants. You'll never know when we'll have another bird vs camel fight in here. I don't want it to get hurt in the crossfire, after all."

"Hurray!" Merlin yelled.

Then, Merlin decided to show everybody his new fuzzy friend. Gwen thought it was sooooooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute, Lancelot tried to give it an apple before remembering that cats don't eat apples, Gwaine tried to give it ale before remembering that cats don't drink ale, Percival petted it on the head, Elyan shook its paw, and Morgana tried to kill Merlin to raise the cat as her own. Finally, Merlin decided to introduce it to Arthur.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Arthur. Hey Arthur. Arthur. Hey Arthur," Merlin pestered him.

"Wat," Arthur asked, annoyed cuz Merlin totally ruined his concentration while he was trying to remember how to spell his name.

"This is my new friend, Mr. Fluff McFloofy," Merlin announced as he held up the cat like Simba from Lion King.

Arthur took one look at the animal before hopping onto his chair, hikin up his skirt, and attempting to shoo the cat away with a broom.

"Get that dastardly being away from me!" he shrieked.

"But it's my kitty," Merlin said as a little tear fell from one of his eyes and made him look so heartbroken.

"Nope," Arthur said as he took out his sword and chopped off the cats head.

Merlin stared at him in absolute horror and shock. Then, went loco, took over Camelot, executed Arthur, and turned everyone else into cats. And that is how Merlin became the Prince of Cats.

The End.

XXX

 _Hehehe… I honestly couldn't resist putting in those references…_

 _Man, I could have called this story Bird VS Camel, and no one would have argued with me. (JK…This is what happens when my brother gets that Titenic song stuck in my head)_

 _Thanks for reading!_


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